False self or real love?

One important reason people feel they cannot be emotionally vulnerable around others is that they are afraid to feel the pain of rejection, abandonment, shame, or criticism that came as children when they were vulnerable to their parents and failed to receive the proper love and acceptance from them. There is no real and solid love in them which would give them the sense of safety needed to be emotionally open to someone else. So we create a false self, one that fits into society's standard of how one should be, and as adults we use this fabrication to win the acceptance and validation from others that we failed to receive from our parents. As a matter of fact, the seeds of this false self began as children, as we conformed to our parents' and early caregivers' hopes and expectations of us, and molded our fragile personality into a shape which would give us the sense of being liked and loved. But we were not really loved, because this love was conditioned upon upholding this false self-image at all times, in order to feel safe around those whose praise and approval we thrived on.

Most of us don’t realize we are doing this. Our society has been so conditioned by patterns of denial, deception, and emotional protection, many of us cannot even entertain the idea of being emotionally vulnerable for too long, lest we risk losing our ability to function and succeed in our practical worldly responsibilities. Indeed, it will take a herculean effort of several brave souls at first in order to create the kind of sustained safe space needed to change the course of generations of socialization and overcome the resistance to conformity. For this, we need to find real love!

Real love means we are loved for our soul, just because we are a creature of God, and for no other reason. And real love is God's love. Love from us is only real when we are surrendered to His love, and our selfish motives are purified. And this purification is an ongoing process—a never-ending one. What we have in the world presently are noble attempts to fool each other and to gain approval for our fabrications by following what is basically an arbitrarily-created set of standards, one that does not reflect the spirit and ways of a loving God, although in some cases it may appear to do so. These standards, created by members of a “lamentably defective” society, create divisions among people. They create deep alienation in the hearts of those who follow these standards, and who give up God's standards. The fleeting pleasures that come from conforming to the ways of the world will ultimately create veils over your heart, and deprive you of the joys of the soul, and the true spiritual pleasures for which God has created us.

About feelings

These are some of the feelings that we could have underneath the personality we use to relate to people: fear of getting/being hurt; need/desire to be liked/loved; guilt for past wrongdoings; shame; feeling inadequate, deficient, flawed, unworthy, worthless, unlovable; fear of being seen as wrong or bad or not good enough; fear of being rejected; anger/resentment towards particular people or towards no one in particular, or towards everyone; desire for all kinds of worldly security especially good health and material comforts; fear of illness, loneliness, death; afraid of making mistakes or being seen as weak; fear of God's punishment; various other unnamed and unspecified anxieties, fears, and desires.

Even if we speak about these fears and desires with someone, we often don't actually let ourselves feel the emotion as energy in the body--we are too busy explaining ourselves to the person. And when we're alone, we rarely are aware of deep emotional sensations, since our lives are filled with ways to distract ourselves from uncomfortable bodily sensations, especially ones that have a strong emotional charge.

Some would say what's the point of feeling things deeply? Well, what's the point of tasting things, or seeing things, or hearing? These senses are part of the body and have important functions. Same with emotions. They are put in our body to receive and reveal to us all kinds of information about the external and internal environment of the body, and they are used to respond to and relate to other people, to ideas, and to things all around us.

An important function of the emotions, I believe, is to apprehend the spiritual reality. We need to feel love, don't we? It is not just an idea in our mind. We feel hurt or loneliness, and then we want love, lasting love, is this not so? We feel an anxious feeling if we do something wrong, don't we? These are emotions revealing to us a response that we need to consider for our physical and spiritual survival.

Emotions have a magnificent and complex functioning we have yet to understand. Science is just beginning to appreciate the power of emotion in our lives. Too bad in the current social and economic system of frenetic struggle for material security and rampant escapism, we are unable to value emotions and regard their place in our lives. We have not learned how to manage feelings, and we are not taught their purpose in our lives. So we learn to ignore them, repress them, or appease our suffering with quick fixes to squelch any negative or painful feeling we may have. After all, we have an image to uphold for others, and this is the way we procure material advantage in this society. God willing, one day soon this trend will be reversed and we will learn how to manage and integrate our feelings, listen to their wisdom, and allow them to add depth, wonder, and healing to our lives.

Emotions, time, and God

One can use emotions to connect with God. When you feel your feelings, you link yourself to a realm which includes past and future. Your fear remembers past moments, and anticipates future events. It is a warning signal that the soul needs security. The challenge is to fill it in and heal this pain with faith in God and not worldly objects. So one must hold the feeling in the body and call upon God using faith. When the spirit meets the feeling, the feeling will transmute. It is helpful to see how the emotion links you to a timeless realm—or one which includes all time realms. This is an indicator that your awareness is closer to God, since God also includes (and transcends) all time realms. The emotion is like a vehicle to travel through time into the timeless eternal.

Facing feelings

(This is from 5/18/94)

Here's a big challenge: we need to be honest with God about our feelings. We don't necessarily have to share our feelings with another person, but we need to share them with God. In other words, we need to come out of denial, stop stuffing the emotions inside, and start opening up the heart and praying to God, and trusting in God that He will help us and heal us of our suffering. Share the joys and the sorrows. Commune with God, be honest with Him--share thoughts and feelings! Why deny the heart its joy of communing fully with God? God understands us, even if we don't understand ourselves. We can let it all out--all the pain--to God. He will turn it into joy, just because we shared it with Him. You know how sometimes when we open up to a person, we feel better, our problems are mysteriously solved, or at least they don't seem as important anymore? It's because we've let God's love in as we opened our heart and trusted Him. And the transcendent Spirit comes into our hearts and lifts us above this temporal world and shows us the visions of the eternal realm. The emotions of the Kingdom of Heaven are revealed to us, and suddenly our earthly problems don't seem significant anymore.

But if we're constantly denying our emotions in the name of being 'a man', who doesn't feel pain or any emotions for that matter, we'll never know the love of God. We'll be blocked because we haven't faced an important part of ourselves. We can't always be in 'business' mode. Just because that's the society's conditioning doesn't mean it's God's way. God has other ways to remedy the problem of suffering. Don't deny it, but give it to God, or transcend it with love and understanding. The truly religious way to be a 'man' is not society's way. Don't be fooled by the apparent similarities: both say 'be happy and loving'. But God says 'be truly happy and loving by my grace'. Society says 'be happy and loving on the outside even if it means you have to be a hypocrite and stuff or ignore your feelings of discontent or confusion'. Society says don't think too deeply about yourself or reality--you might just find out something--you might see through the game of the old world order and its institutions, God forbid!

God says 'face yourself'. And face Him. Give yourself to Him, along with your feelings of hurt, discontent, confusion, or even joy. When God says try to act positive when you feel negative, it is only because He wants you to eventually become the act and be positive--not to deny any reality. Society is big on denying reality.

But I'm big on being honest and finding the truth in any situation. Especially when it comes to what you feel as a human being. It really helps to be honest about your feelings without any fear of others. And when you open your feelings to God, there's no fear, only love. You can get in touch with His love that way, and experience the feelings of His love--the peace and joy. The emotions can again flow smoothly, the love for others comes out. Without the emotions, we're a shell, doing business in a cold world. Sure, we can accomplish things and be moral and serve God and help people. But if we deny such a part of ourselves, are we truly being spiritual? Can we truly share the love of God and show others the joys of the Kingdom? How can we help others face reality if we're not facing a part of our reality--a part which can feel the love of God, the beauty of life, which can feel the wonders of reality and communicate it like a child? Sure, there are parts of ourselves we haven't faced because they haven't presented themselves to us--that's part of our natural growth process of discovery. But I'm talking about simply feeling the feelings that have indeed come our way, but we stuffed away or denied. These indeed have been shown to us. We must use them to grow closer to God. We must use them to trust God more. They are given to us for our growth, for the growth of our love, of our heart. We cannot deny them any longer.

And this comes back to families and community-building. We need to help each other work through the confusing thoughts and emotions which cause us suffering and joy. We must draw closer to each other as we discover that we all experience similar feelings of isolation, hurt, confusion, etc. We draw on God, and open up to Him and to one another. By sharing in this way, God will bless us with His Holy Spirit, and faith will grow in our hearts and faith will grow in the communities, and people will see the love, and they will be attracted to it. If you have faith, and act on that faith, they will come! There must be initiative and inspiration. And there must be some resources. If people see the love, they will open their hearts and trust, and share. We must create this open, loving, trusting, sharing environment. God help us create this environment. Please create this environment in myself. The pain makes me grow. It stretches my heart and I pray to you more--I must find the Way to Peace. I can never block the truth of Love and the Open Heart. It must come out!

Are Baha'is doing more outer work than inner work? For now, it is important to spread the Teachings. But we must do the inner work, and get in touch with the Real Transcendent Love, that flies above this temporal world. Love that is calm and powerful, and gives tremendous hope. Love that is patient and kind and not overbearing. Love that listens and hears and is compassionate and understanding. Love that heals the suffering. Love that unites the people and unites the hearts. Love that purifies souls and builds families and communities. Love that will one day unite the world in perfect love and harmony.

With this love that comes from God, we can face ourselves and face the world. And we must! We must move forward as an Army of Light and conquer the hearts of men, for the good of the world, for the Cause of God! But we must not force the Message on anyone. People, with their free will, may reject the Message if they wish. We will move on, unshaken, and with complete faith, being nourished by the love of God and His unshakable Word of Truth!

Help us God! Help us find the resources to do this! Oh God, all things come from you. I pray that you give us what we need to fulfill our potential in this earthly realm. Bless us, help us!