Why do we feel guilty?

We feel guilt because we don’t feel accepted and acceptable for who we are inside—for our real feelings including all our inner drives, and our behaviors and actions resulting from those drives. It began as children when we discovered it was wrong to do certain things and act certain ways, because we were punished, criticized, or in some way made to feel bad for our behavior. There was no explanation why those behaviors were wrong, and we were too young to understand explanations anyway. But we didn’t feel loved when we did those things. But we noticed that when we acted in certain other ways, our parents and peers responded positively, so we knew to act in those ways in order to gain approval, love, and acceptance.

So when we did things that met with disapproval, we felt bad and wrong, and this translates into guilt. It carries over into adulthood. Of course we develop guilt from our religious school teachers as well. We understand God as a being who approves of certain actions and behaviors, and disapproves of others. We feel accepted and loved if we perform certain actions, and we feel cast out and unacceptable if we perform others. And additionally, if we don’t perform certain actions we feel cast out or accepted depending on whether those actions are deemed approved and acceptable, or even required. Initially, others teach us what is approved or blameworthy. As we grow, we introject these beliefs, and they become our beliefs. Just as parents and teachers condemned us for our ‘sins’, we begin to condemn ourselves and set up an inner critic and judge, who monitors whether our behavior conforms to the standard we have been taught and have inculcated.

Behind the feeling of guilt is the need for acceptance and approval, or the need to feel loved for your inner being, not for who you pretend to be, or who you appear to be on the outside. We all have the need to be loved, accepted, and valued. But since no person has pure and unconditional love for us (love is not just a feeling, and we are usually only ‘loved’ by those who like our outer personality or our possessions, or by those who feel responsible for us), we never received a love that penetrated to our inner being. Real love understands all our drives, all our sins, and loves us always. When we receive real love, we feel forgiven for our sins. We don’t want to sin anymore because we are celebrating the purity of love and we exult in the spirit of love. This love purifies us, and makes us want to be pure. It satisfies us, so the pleasure of sin holds little appeal. Real love comes from God, and we can access this love through the Prophets of God.

Healthy remorse, which comes from a developed conscience based on sound moral and ethical training, can free us from guilt. We recognize our wrongdoing, turn to God for forgiveness, possibly apologize to someone we wronged, and then attempt to do better. Here, there is no lingering sense of being a bad, guilty person. We all fall short of perfection, we all 'sin'. But it is a fallacy to believe that we are inherently guilty, wrong, inadequate, deficient, unworthy, and worthless. These identities we assumed as children were based on very flawed ways of controlling our behavior.

(more): We hold onto guilt so we don’t have to feel the pain of not being loved and accepted in our weakness. When we were young, our parents punished us and criticized us when we did something they interpreted as wrong or bad. They made us feel as though we were wrong or bad for doing it. We couldn’t realize that they did not know how to give us pure love based on reflecting the spirit of God. We believed them, so we believed we were bad. Now, we use the identity of being bad or wrong as a way to ward off the pain of not being loved, just as we did as children. We think that by thinking we are bad, we are punishing ourselves, as we should, because that is what our parents did. We actually become the judge for ourselves, instead of letting God be judge. We think that by condemning ourselves, we will appease God. But God wants us to trust His love and His justice, which comes from communion with Him, and letting Him forgive us, as we try to do better. Basically, we are using our parents’ form of justice and applying that to ourselves, instead of using God’s justice and love for our lives.

Pleasing people and God

We learn at an early age to please people and we construct a false self in order to get people to like us and to win their approval. We do this with parents, teachers, bosses, peers, and friends. Then of course we do it in intimate relationships. Then we get hurt, we get angry, and we rebel against the idea of pleasing people and submitting to the will of another. So we create another false self that does what we want, when we want, and says we're not gonna give our power to anyone. Then we become lonely, angry, and resentful. Neither created self is true. We don't even know who we are anymore. I'm afraid we never did, since we have always been posturing to gain approval and acceptance from others. We think we have to do something to earn love.

We relate to God in the same way. There is no direct relationship with God--it's always: well, what do I have to do? Am I good enough, did I do it right, what did I do wrong this time? There's a sense of guilt and inadequacy inside us, and we want to appease God to win His favor. Just like we do with people. Or we don't, if we're rebelling against that! Oh, if we're rebelling and angry inside, we might not even believe in God or we'll think religious people are all hypocrites (which may be true, but that's for another note). There is an honesty in this latter approach, but there is still a hurt person inside.

So, what do we do? I think we need to just face the fact and the feeling of being hurt and needy inside. We all want love and acceptance, whether it's from people, or from a 'God', which for most people is just a giant Parent. God is much more than that, by the way. We don't know how to just be, because inside we have such pain, guilt, and fear. But then that is what we have inside, so that is very much part of who we are. Yet, in this society, we can't just be hurt, needy, and guilty. How does that pay the bills? Who will like us if we're sitting there being hurt and guilty? Yet, just this is needed if we are going to progress spiritually and have authentic, loving bonds with each other and with God. After we get comfortable with all we are inside, we can realize that God is and always has been a shining bright Light of Love and Truth that exists whether we are a good boy/girl or a bad boy/girl, whether we have a happy face or sad face. He is constant, no matter what we think of Him, or what we think of ourselves.

If we can just cut through all our attempts at pleasing people and God, and get down to that core need for love, underneath our resentment and rebellion, our self-doubt and fear, we will have a possibility to find what we are all searching for. We have to support each other in reaching this kind of vulnerability, though, and it is no easy task. And if you can't do it, try not to think, "Oh, I'm not doing it right. This guy says feel my fear and neediness underneath my mask, and I can't, so I guess I'm no good." I really don't think I have that much influence on people, but my goal is not to make you feel worse! Unless it leads ultimately to your healing and freedom. Feeling our pain without guilt or judgment is usually the first step to healing it!

Being a good person and following the laws

One of the main benefits people receive from following the social and moral laws and rules of religion is confirmation of their identity of being a good person, so this identity can successfully ward off the feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame, and the feeling of being unloved. In this approach there is no real inner experience of the deeper benefits of following these laws, such as the pure grace and love of God, freedom in the spirit, transcendence, etc. Following social laws is certainly of some benefit to the individual and society, and creates order, but does not necessarily create spirituality and love in the heart, which is the foundation of real benefit. Also, there are all the spiritual laws to consider, and many do not even approach these!

Progressive people often rebel against following the laws of God when this compliance is used for ego validation. Yet their own inner feelings of guilt result from this same attitude and approach to the laws of God. They intellectually realize that this is a flawed approach to following the laws of God, but emotionally it is still what has been ingrained and conditioned into their psyche.

This approach revolves around the idea that your value and worth is dependent upon how well you follow the letter of religious law, as it is dictated to you by parents, teachers, and leaders of religion. In this approach, there is no real spiritual mercy, grace, love, or forgiveness. The sense of inadequacy engendered by falling short of this standard and other man-made standards is the driving force behind almost all worldly accomplishments, as people rush to compensate for this sense of weakness. The result is a hollow and materialistic culture filled with artificial and alienated people.

Counterfeit self

We fabricate a counterfeit self because other people would not know how to relate to us otherwise. We know there is more inside, but other people are not taught how to relate to what is behind the mask. So we take on roles in life so our function can be identified, and then people know how to interact with us. Mother, teacher, lawyer, homeless guy, musician, crazy dude, obnoxious guy, pretty girl, smart kid, whatever. We all relate according to what we can get or what we can give. We’re not taught to communicate or interact from a deep place, so it gets filled with fear, insecurity, shame, confusion, hurt, anger. No love gets deep inside, so it is filled with these dark ‘demons’. We must put a mask on and bury all this fear and shame, lest we get no acceptance in this artificial world. This habit we learned as children because we received no love for the real and deep within us, but instead got rewarded for the various ‘positive’ masks we donned.