Thursday, January 8, 2009

It's not your fault, it's not their fault



It is easier for a child to believe that he is to blame when he feels hurt by his parents. If he is to blame, then he deserves the pain. It is justice, his mind reasons. He did something wrong and bad, he is wrong and bad, therefore the pain and hurt is reasonable and he deserves it. If he were to realize he feels hurt because the parents were unjust, or were acting out of their own ignorance or lack of love, it would be too painful. This would mean he is unsafe, his parents don’t have real love, protection is an illusion, there is confusing and painful injustice. This pain is too much to bear, so the child believes he is to blame, and then all is well.

When we are older it is like this. If we are to blame, then the world is fine. It is just that you feel hurt, because you are bad, you deserve the punishment from people or from God. Ah, the world is fine, people are good, it is just that I am bad and wrong, so then the pain is reasonable and justified. Now if I see that other people are wrong or ignorant or unloving, what a terrible thing that is. Then I am really unsafe, I can’t trust anyone, and the world is not loving at all. This is a worse calamity for my heart and my life. This is more painful.

Yet this is just the reality we must face in our lives if we are to truly seek God’s love. When we discover that the people in the world are not the all-wise, all-loving people we thought they were, when veils of conditioning and idolatry fall away, then we see that people have been acting and posturing, and are covering their own fear and hurt. Oh no, we live in a world where no one knows truth or love. Wow, we really need to seek for something eternal and real. When we realize we are not any worse than other people, but we ascribed wrongness and badness to ourselves as a child, then it is a painful reality. All are in sin, all are unloving. We are truly in a desert world. We must seek God, Who is real.

If we hold on to the notion that we are bad and wrong, it will veil us from the truth. It will protect us from the pain that others are not as they say they are. Under the victim identity is hurt, even resentment. We had some notion that the parent was not acting out of love. It was put into the unconscious. Now we have resentment for the love we never received. It is too painful to acknowledge. But now we can face this because we know God loves us even if people cannot.



Okay, now we know it’s not our fault. But we’re still not sure. We still have the sense that we’re not good enough, we’re bad, and everyone else is doing it right. But if it’s not our fault, then it must be their fault. After all, we’ve got to do something about this nagging sense that it’s somebody’s fault, and somebody’s got to take the blame. So we project that sense of blame and shame onto others. Ah, it’s their fault, I’m absolved! Kind of gives you a sense of power. Ego power. Okay, fine for now. Underneath, we still feel we’re bad and wrong, but for now it’s covered up, and maybe if we don’t feel it now, it will go away and won’t bother us. Inevitably something happens, we feel hurt, and our inadequacy demon rears its head.

Okay, I get it. My parents didn’t give me perfect love, so I have a sense of not being whole, a sense that I’m not quite right, there’s a hole in my heart, and somebody’s to blame. Maybe my parents, maybe my ex-spouse, maybe my religious school teachers. The wound hurts a lot inside. It gets triggered by so many things. There is a strong emotional charge inside. There is anger and resentment towards people, particular people. What can I do? Well, if I get a good job and a good standing amongst my peers, I’ll surely feel good about myself, and that will cover up my wound. Or if I get a wife and family, with wonderful kids, I will feel whole and I will feel joy. After all, my religion says I should have these things. Oh, of course if I follow the laws of my religion, and do what the good book says, then I will certainly win favor with God and I will gain the approval and respect of my peers and teachers. This way I will surely feel great and my feelings of fear and inadequacy will be gone forever.

Hmm, but why is it that no matter what I do, there is this gnawing fear and guilt that somehow I’m still not good enough? And no matter what I do in the world, there is still a sense of longing, of being incomplete, like there is some higher love I am just not getting.

If we step back, we can see what is happening. All of us carry wounds from our life. We cover up this hurt, and the fear of getting more hurt, with many things. We try to conform to what people expect of us. We did this with our parents. We had little choice. We had to do what they said and become what they wanted us to become in order for us to receive their approval, and to receive the benefits of childhood, such as comfort and security. Inside, our wounded heart went into hiding. As adults, we fit into the little molds and roles carved out for us in society. These acts ensure that we feel secure and that we continue to receive the material benefits that we’ve been taught make our lives happy. Playing the roles also ensures us that we will be liked and respected by others, so we don’t have to feel hurt and lonely, and so that demon of guilt and inadequacy doesn’t torment us. We blame others, but others hurt us because they are caught in the same trap we are. They are just doing their best to ward of their feelings of inadequacy or fear—they just want to avoid feeling hurt as well. So we can’t really blame them.

But now we find ourselves constantly doing things, running away from our pain, caught up in this worldly game of acquiring things and people, and attempting to prove to ourselves and others that we are worthy and good enough. Good enough for what? For love, for acceptance, for approval—because inside we still feel unworthy, inadequate, guilty. Boy, do we need something different. Something not of this world. Something to renew us and heal us and cause us to know that we are approved and accepted and acceptable. But more than that. We need to know we are loved, loved deeply, and not because of anything we did. We are loved because we were created. God created each one of us, and He doesn’t make mistakes. Since He created us, we can be sure He meant for us to be here, and there is a divine reason for our life. His love is ever-present. He knows about us, even if we don’t know about ourselves. We can put our trust in Him. We can take our confusion, fears and guilt to Him. He knows what we do, and He knows how to help. We all want to be loved and to love others. Let’s turn to Him for instruction--to the Manifestation of God’s holy light. Through Him we can learn what is real and what is false. It will take time and work to reverse the conditioning and wounding and mistaken understandings we have been taught by society. But we can help each other. Please let’s help each other do this.



No comments:

Post a Comment