More hurt, more love

The person who is more sensitive and aware, who sees how people are not being loving, and gets hurt by it, must be the one who is more loving, tolerant, patient, and accepting of less-than-loving behavior. This is the suffering prepared for those whose hearts are open and tender, who are ready to receive the anointing of the Holy Spirit. These souls will feel more pain, but will be more loving. For their love will be the love of God which they will call upon to comfort their broken hearts. Know that God is close to these souls and He will protect them from the darts of the worldly-minded.

"Cleanse ye your eyes, so that ye behold no man as different from yourselves. See ye no strangers; rather see all men as friends, for love and unity come hard when ye fix your gaze on otherness. And in this new and wondrous age, the Holy Writings say that we must be at one with every people; that we must see neither harshness nor injustice, neither malevolence, nor hostility, nor hate, but rather turn our eyes toward the heaven of ancient glory. For each of the creatures is a sign of God, and it was by the grace of the Lord and His power that each did step into the world; therefore they are not strangers, but in the family; not aliens, but friends, and to be treated as such.

Wherefore must the loved ones of God associate in affectionate fellowship with stranger and friend alike, showing forth to all the utmost loving-kindness, disregarding the degree of their capacity, never asking whether they deserve to be loved. In every instance let the friends be considerate and infinitely kind. Let them never be defeated by the malice of the people, by their aggression and their hate, no matter how intense. If others hurl their darts against you, offer them milk and honey in return; if they poison your lives, sweeten their souls; if they injure you, teach them how to be comforted; if they inflict a wound upon you, be a balm to their sores; if they sting you, hold to their lips a refreshing cup."

--from the writings of the Baha'i Faith

False self or real love?

One important reason people feel they cannot be emotionally vulnerable around others is that they are afraid to feel the pain of rejection, abandonment, shame, or criticism that came as children when they were vulnerable to their parents and failed to receive the proper love and acceptance from them. There is no real and solid love in them which would give them the sense of safety needed to be emotionally open to someone else. So we create a false self, one that fits into society's standard of how one should be, and as adults we use this fabrication to win the acceptance and validation from others that we failed to receive from our parents. As a matter of fact, the seeds of this false self began as children, as we conformed to our parents' and early caregivers' hopes and expectations of us, and molded our fragile personality into a shape which would give us the sense of being liked and loved. But we were not really loved, because this love was conditioned upon upholding this false self-image at all times, in order to feel safe around those whose praise and approval we thrived on.

Most of us don’t realize we are doing this. Our society has been so conditioned by patterns of denial, deception, and emotional protection, many of us cannot even entertain the idea of being emotionally vulnerable for too long, lest we risk losing our ability to function and succeed in our practical worldly responsibilities. Indeed, it will take a herculean effort of several brave souls at first in order to create the kind of sustained safe space needed to change the course of generations of socialization and overcome the resistance to conformity. For this, we need to find real love!

Real love means we are loved for our soul, just because we are a creature of God, and for no other reason. And real love is God's love. Love from us is only real when we are surrendered to His love, and our selfish motives are purified. And this purification is an ongoing process—a never-ending one. What we have in the world presently are noble attempts to fool each other and to gain approval for our fabrications by following what is basically an arbitrarily-created set of standards, one that does not reflect the spirit and ways of a loving God, although in some cases it may appear to do so. These standards, created by members of a “lamentably defective” society, create divisions among people. They create deep alienation in the hearts of those who follow these standards, and who give up God's standards. The fleeting pleasures that come from conforming to the ways of the world will ultimately create veils over your heart, and deprive you of the joys of the soul, and the true spiritual pleasures for which God has created us.

Love and knowledge

When we like and dislike traits in people, it is a projection of our ego conditioning. Below our filter, is the reservoir of pure love for all. We cannot truly judge another, since we do not know how God sees him, we do not know his capacity or his upbringing. Yet the inherent laws of morality and religion are for all. This is still the ideal, since following them brings unity. But how each is following them has infinite determinants, and only God can be the final judge. We can love all despite their character traits and actions. We should love all, because that is how they will grow and change to better conform to the ideal.

To truly love someone, we need to be cleared away of our own ego concerns, or we will not have the space to listen and love. True love comes from God, and from communing with his spirit. Otherwise, we just create a false ego self which listens and speaks from the point of view of our particular ego conditioning. We must access the spirit realm in order to truly love another. Until then, we should be honest about the fact that we still have our own ego needs, fears, and desires. And together we can bring ourselves to God in prayer and worship. This way, we learn to rely on God when loving each other, instead of creating a false self on top of our inner fears and desires. Conventional love is usually only this false self connected to a warm feeling of false ego power and human relatedness, which does not access the Holy Spirit. Then a dependency and attachment is created to this false self in ourselves and others, and a veil is created against the Spirit. One must surrender even these attempts at love, in order to access the Spirit. These attachments on the human level seal off the Spirit, and become substitutes for one's relationship with God.

When we teach someone anything, the first thing to do is to love God and to love the person. The point is not to dispense information, but to create unity and show love. The knowledge is a reflection of God's grace, and the point is to glorify God. So hidden motives should be uprooted. These motives include self-exaltation, in order to compensate for an inner lack of self-worth. If this is the case, one should notice the inner shame, feel it, and surrender it to God, knowing that one is made worthy by the grace of God, not by one's selfish efforts--except by those efforts to acknowledge God and commune with Him, and do His will.

Spiritual effort

The idea of attainment when one is motivated by guilt, mere duty, fear, or as compensation for a sense of being wrong, bad, or inadequate, which indeed is often the main underlying motivation for all kinds of accomplishment in life, is not going to result in real spiritual fruit such as spiritual communion, detachment, spiritual grace and bounty. That is why so many New Age paths reject the idea of spiritual effort, and are appealing to so many people. This idea of 'effort' activates the sense of being bad, wrong, or not good enough, and these core wounds are difficult to reconcile with the idea that we need to improve, grow, or get better. It brings up images of original sin and inherent deficiency. We like to think we are fine the way we are. The fact is that we are LOVED no matter what, but we are as children and we need to learn and grow.

Most people were not given unconditional love as children, so have a nagging sense of inadequacy in their subconscious. Parents and schools usually train kids to feel value and validation only when they are excelling and achieving. So, many people are attracted to teachings that emphasize how you are valuable and acceptable as you are, rather than the idea that you need to improve, attain, grow, and achieve. But often the misunderstanding of Western religion is due to faulty training from parents and teachers, who fail to convey the All-Embracing Love and Forgiveness that exist simultaneous with the injunction to grow, change, and improve. We encourage children to grow and improve, but we can do it with love and mercy, so they always feel loved and accepted in all stages of their growth. This is how God sees us! He loves us always, even though we fall short of the divine standard, and His love sustains us through all our struggles and striving! But it is often difficult to access that Love; indeed it is a mystical world of infinite radiance, beyond this ephemeral one! And parents/teachers do their best, but as they are entrenched and inured in the present materialistic system, it is hard to pause long enough, process emotional blocks, and then access and feel the divine love as a palpable reality streaming into the heart and soul. So we have much work to do, brothers and sisters!

Although some of these eclectic and Eastern spiritual teachings have the ability to placate us and make us feel temporarily better about ourselves, they do not have the power to root out core wounds of inadequacy or cause us to soar into the kingdom of detachment from self and this material world. Often it’s the teachers’ or gurus’ approval that people receive into their hearts, and this becomes a substitute for the  Manifestation of God, whose teachings are the source of life and light, and the only source that can burn away the veils that we have acquired from this world of illusion. It is true that many Eastern spiritual teachings provide us with in-depth wisdom and understanding of the human condition, and offer us many techniques and practices to alleviate some of the suffering that comes from daily living. But unless we turn our hearts to the Manifestation of God for this day, we will never experience the true potential of the human soul as it was meant to be in this world.

Transform the Struggle (audio)

This is one of my older talks on spiritual transformation.

Spiritual talk on walk in WV (audio)

Here I am walking in nature while visiting my family in WV August, 2008. I videotaped the walk as I brought God to mind. The nature really helps me feel God's love and healing. (At the beginning of the talk there is static from the wind, but it lasts only a minute.) The video can be seen here (part 1): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg2lAE_MPOI

Wordless Meanings (audio)

This is an earlier talk, from May, 2004, so it has a bit of a different energy. I start with some guttural utterances, in order to accurately express what I feel in the moment. As the talk unfolds, I connect with God/Oneness, and I end up doing some real praying, and the whole talk is quite deep.

Why do we feel guilty?

We feel guilt because we don’t feel accepted and acceptable for who we are inside—for our real feelings including all our inner drives, and our behaviors and actions resulting from those drives. It began as children when we discovered it was wrong to do certain things and act certain ways, because we were punished, criticized, or in some way made to feel bad for our behavior. There was no explanation why those behaviors were wrong, and we were too young to understand explanations anyway. But we didn’t feel loved when we did those things. But we noticed that when we acted in certain other ways, our parents and peers responded positively, so we knew to act in those ways in order to gain approval, love, and acceptance.

So when we did things that met with disapproval, we felt bad and wrong, and this translates into guilt. It carries over into adulthood. Of course we develop guilt from our religious school teachers as well. We understand God as a being who approves of certain actions and behaviors, and disapproves of others. We feel accepted and loved if we perform certain actions, and we feel cast out and unacceptable if we perform others. And additionally, if we don’t perform certain actions we feel cast out or accepted depending on whether those actions are deemed approved and acceptable, or even required. Initially, others teach us what is approved or blameworthy. As we grow, we introject these beliefs, and they become our beliefs. Just as parents and teachers condemned us for our ‘sins’, we begin to condemn ourselves and set up an inner critic and judge, who monitors whether our behavior conforms to the standard we have been taught and have inculcated.

Behind the feeling of guilt is the need for acceptance and approval, or the need to feel loved for your inner being, not for who you pretend to be, or who you appear to be on the outside. We all have the need to be loved, accepted, and valued. But since no person has pure and unconditional love for us (love is not just a feeling, and we are usually only ‘loved’ by those who like our outer personality or our possessions, or by those who feel responsible for us), we never received a love that penetrated to our inner being. Real love understands all our drives, all our sins, and loves us always. When we receive real love, we feel forgiven for our sins. We don’t want to sin anymore because we are celebrating the purity of love and we exult in the spirit of love. This love purifies us, and makes us want to be pure. It satisfies us, so the pleasure of sin holds little appeal. Real love comes from God, and we can access this love through the Prophets of God.

Healthy remorse, which comes from a developed conscience based on sound moral and ethical training, can free us from guilt. We recognize our wrongdoing, turn to God for forgiveness, possibly apologize to someone we wronged, and then attempt to do better. Here, there is no lingering sense of being a bad, guilty person. We all fall short of perfection, we all 'sin'. But it is a fallacy to believe that we are inherently guilty, wrong, inadequate, deficient, unworthy, and worthless. These identities we assumed as children were based on very flawed ways of controlling our behavior.

(more): We hold onto guilt so we don’t have to feel the pain of not being loved and accepted in our weakness. When we were young, our parents punished us and criticized us when we did something they interpreted as wrong or bad. They made us feel as though we were wrong or bad for doing it. We couldn’t realize that they did not know how to give us pure love based on reflecting the spirit of God. We believed them, so we believed we were bad. Now, we use the identity of being bad or wrong as a way to ward off the pain of not being loved, just as we did as children. We think that by thinking we are bad, we are punishing ourselves, as we should, because that is what our parents did. We actually become the judge for ourselves, instead of letting God be judge. We think that by condemning ourselves, we will appease God. But God wants us to trust His love and His justice, which comes from communion with Him, and letting Him forgive us, as we try to do better. Basically, we are using our parents’ form of justice and applying that to ourselves, instead of using God’s justice and love for our lives.

How to love people and not backbite about them:

1. Everyone wants to be happy and avoid pain; they want to maximize pleasure and minimize pain. They have learned behavior patterns to accomplish these goals.

2. Everyone had a different upbringing and they developed different coping mechanisms in order to fulfill their needs for security and material and emotional happiness. Try to understand how their behavior is just a result of these conditioned responses to life, and they are unaware that what they are doing is causing you pain.

3. Imagine if this person said those things about you—how would it make you feel?

4. Imagine if that person heard what you are saying about him—how would it make him feel?

5. If you can get in touch with God’s love—His love for all of humanity--then you can cast a ray of His love from your heart to that person. God created everyone and His love surrounds all—so we must love all from God’s love.

6. All people were once small, helpless babies. Imagine that person as a small, helpless baby, perhaps as he was all those years ago. All adults are still like that baby, with the same needs for security, comfort, and love.

7. Imagine that person in a terrible car accident. You pass by on the street and see this person hanging out of his car, injured, crying for help.

Cultivating authentic spirituality--a letter

Hey, ____! It's Bob, here--the one who talked to you about authentic spirituality at the Convention! I woke up this morning with a strange energy. I felt energy to connect with people, because connecting and spreading the spirit I must do! But what do I have to share? That is a mystery to most people...but of course we are much more than what we do and seem. But when and where can we develop and utilize what we are but what we don't see? Can't spiritual growth and transformation occur at a more rapid pace with the support of a group setting? I feel it is almost necessary. That's why we are asked to have devotions, children's classes and Institutes. But we are so caught in individualistic and materialisitc models of growth. I believe that in less materialistic and more communal societies, there exist elements and understandings of spiritual unity which we in the US need to learn. We are desperate to learn and implement these understandings, but most of us don't know we need it! We are feeding ourselves with poison, but don't know we are diseased. Those of us who see, can help ourselves and help others. I know you see, and are helping others. Service exists in many different forms. I need to help others. This email is both an expression of service, and a plea for help. Don't we all need each other? And we all have something to give. So I am just being authentic here!

There is a language of the heart, of intuition, of love, which is beyond concepts and words, and I know you are in tune with it. This is the mystery door which leads to the sea of treasure which is currently being withheld from many Baha'is. In this treasure, we find connectedness and intimacy with all people. We find acceptance and love. We find emotion and passion. We find helpfulness, openness, and even humility. When these treasures are burnished with the Spirit of the Word of God, shiny, new and pure treasures are revealed to our eyes, minds and hearts, which hold immense value and healing capacity. These special pure treasures can be reached by those who are pure in heart and who have the courage and faith to travel through the door of detachment from this world. There is sanctification, purification, and trials through this door, and on this path. The attachments to this world are seen as illusion, and befitting only those who desire them. The pearls of the Spiritual Kingdom are revealed through the fire of purification, and can only be reached through longing, fervent devotion and yearning. These gems of divine mysteries are more valuable, much more precious that any earthly treasure. These gems and qualities of the heart and spirit, which exist in the spirit, possess the power to heal the peoples of the world, and to set aglow the hearts of men and women, in such wise that many of them will fling away this world, and join with us in celebrating this Love, and spreading the savors of the Blessed Beauty far and wide, with passion and zeal!

I know this sounds preachy, but it is all really how I feel--it is from my heart and soul, not just my head! What do I do with all this zeal and love for God? I feel like a mystic wanderer. I know I need some structure--a channel to express this love and wisdom. I am giving it all to God, since He gave it to me. I know who I am, and I dedicate it all to God. But I still feel my human needs--I am not always detached and pure! I need help from others, and I need to help others. But it seems I traveled so far in certain directions of consciousness, there is no one there to direct me, but God. And I have accepted that. The worst part is that it seems no one is ready to receive the gifts that I have to offer, unless I can offer it in a way which causes them to realize that they need it! And I am not so good at packaging things in a way which is appealing to others, unless it happens to be in my heart at the time. I can't market myself, so to speak. And I believe we should work with others to spread the fragrances of our gifts and our service, anyway. It's just that my gifts and talents are elusive to many, there is presently no environment to cultivate them, and I believe they are rare and unusual, but valuable, nonetheless. (There are schools and apprenticeships for accountants, doctors, engineers, landscapers, etc., but nothing for new age mystic psychologist/free-improv musicians!) I believe we need to help create and carve out new roles in society--uh, the new world/society, based on authentic and spiritual identities, instead of having people conform to and fit into existing molds which suppress the true self, and suffocate the soul. Oh, the youth would benefit tremendously! Isn't this the core of the issue for them?

I believe there are many people with gifts and talents which are not recognized and appreciated by most people, and in this society, there are no means to develop, cultivate and nurture many human qualities which are crucial to the healthy functioning of any society. These people fall by the wayside, become labeled as mentally ill, take medication or drugs, become angry, bitter, isolated. If we could only nurture these gems in a spiritual environment, with love, acceptance, openness, humility, and the Words and Spirit of God, we would reap great benefits for the Cause of God and humanity! My mission is simple. I want to utilize my gifts and talents, and help others to do the same, in an environment of love, openness, humility and spirituality! Some arts and music would be great!

My dream is to have an Arts and Healing Center. But first I wanted to have an Institute for Healing and Transformation, which would be like a workshop setting. But even an informal support group would be fine. It seems in this fast-paced culture, we need to set aside a prescribed time and place to meet and focus on God and spiritual growth, and to detach from this world. And this is what the UHJ is asking us to do. They are asking us to design and hold Institutes, devotions, social and economic development projects, etc. Soon, we will see more calamities and entry by troops, and these new institutions will be the refuge. So why not get real, get spiritual, and...well, I guess--start sharing? I know it is a lot, but I felt inspired to write to you.

Baha'i Love,

Bob Charnes

Call for healing

(This is from 6/17/95)

There are very many desperate and hurting people out there who are lonely, alienated, and unable to make any loving connection with people or even with a loving Creator. Some indulge in alcohol to drown the pain, some use sex, many are diagnosed as depressed and take anti-depressants, and some just sit and cry! It's unbelievable--the hardships people must endure these days. Then there are those who must endure the torture of abuse of all kinds, the victims of violent crimes, disease, poverty, starvation, and the like.

Don't we need to reach out and help one another like never before? Isn't this the time of all times in the history of the world that we need to transcend our worldly attachment, let down our defenses, open our heart, pray to God, and help each other through these difficult times? Yes, we need to read the Writings on our own and understand the nature of tests as beneficial and necessary for our spiritual growth. But we also need to see how God uses tests to bond the community in loving unity. An example is the Oklahoma City bombing incident. This tragedy actually helped bond the community as people rushed to help one another in sacrificial and self-transcendent love! Isn't there already a tragedy happening in the world today? We can no longer shut our eyes to it.

Here's a quote I read recently that really inspired me, from Shoghi Effendi's "Directives from the Guardian":

"Deep as are family ties, unless supported by spiritual bonds, are confined to this life. You should do all in your power, through prayer and example, to open the eyes of your family to the Baha'i Faith, but do not grieve too much over their actions. Turn to your Baha'i brothers and sisters who are living with you in the Light of the Kingdom."

"Indeed, the believers have not yet fully learned to draw on each other's strength and consolation in time of need. The Cause of God is endowed with tremendous powers, and the reason the believers do not gain more from it is because they have not learned to draw fully on these mighty forces of love and strength and harmony generated by the Faith."

Some of us are suffering outwardly more than others. Some of us have Baha'i families or supportive communities and have more emotional resources than others. But we're all in this together and we must help those who need it! If one is sick we're all sick! Does this sound drastic? Well I think we need a drastic change in our attitude towards people who are suffering, because there may be more hurting people than you think, and one may be you! You know many people have difficulty expessing their emotions in this materialistic culture, and that means their pain remains unvoiced, repressed, and therefore they are unable to receive help and guidance. But sadly, often when they do express their pain, their cries remain unheeded and they turn to unspiritual activities to escape the pain. It takes a very spiritual person to overcome the trials of life without any loving support from others!

We need to share the teachings with others, pray for them, and listen to their problems! We need to have forums where people feel comfortable expressing, (and even feeling!) their emotions (within limits of course!). Too many of us are stuck in conventional ways of relating to one another, having developed defense systems supposedly appropriate for the materialistic society we live in. But we must change all that. Listen to this excerpt from "The Prosperity of Humankind" (don't you just love that they used the word "humankind"?):

"In order for the standard of human rights now in the process of formulation by the community of nations to be promoted and established as a prevailing international norm, a fundamental redefinition of human relationships is called for. Present-day conceptions of what is natural and appropriate in relationships-- among human beings themselves, between human beings and nature, between the individual and society, and between the members of society and its instituitions--reflect levels of understanding arrived at by the human race during earlier and less mature stages in its development. If humanity is indeed coming of age, if all the inhabitants of the planet constitute a single people, if justice is to be the ruling principle of social organization--then existing conceptions that were born out of ignorance of these emerging realities have to be recast."

We need to help people release emotions, and to unleash that latent trust in God that is the most powerful healing force in a human. Then the love can flow, the trust can grow, the power of the Holy Spirit can manifest itself, and healing can take place! We need to trust one another--we are more closely bonded than family, in reality! Why shouldn't we act that way? Just envision in your heart and mind what it would be like if groups of people all over the world were inspired and enlivened by God to pour out their hearts to one another in perfect trust and all had their hearts open to God, and they received one another and loved one another with spiritual love, and this love spread to all in the region, and searching souls were magnetized beyond description to this powerful and overwhelming love, and tears were shed--tears of joy and lifelong relief for having revealed to them the meaning of life, the meaning of existence itself, and lifelong questions were answered, and lifelong pains were healed, and the Holy Spirit of God was unleashed like never before in onrushing gales of surrender, reverence, awe, holiness, sacrifice, peace, love and ultimate comfort and healing as the souls bonded together in an indissoluble, heavenly, eternal bond that kept growing and opening up like a flower in bloom, as hearts connected to Baha'u'llah's heart, and we all connected to each other's heart, and we all served the Kingdom forever in eternal bliss!! Sound drastic??!

May God help us use our talents and abilities to serve Him and to serve humanity, and to promote healing in the hearts of everyone we meet. May we all be guided in this endeavor, and ask Baha'u'llah's blessings and confirmations in all that we do. Let's remember nobody's perfect and we all need healing in one way or another.

God bless all of you. Please stay in touch and send me any messages, thoughts, ideas, criticisms, exhortations, musings, questions, answers, opinions, guidance, poems, stories, songs, quotes, etc. The goal is for everyone to share with everyone, and to network with one another, and to spread the unity far and wide. Any ideas on how to network and get the ball really rolling would be greatly appreciated.

Baha'i love,

Bob