Pleasing people and God

We learn at an early age to please people and we construct a false self in order to get people to like us and to win their approval. We do this with parents, teachers, bosses, peers, and friends. Then of course we do it in intimate relationships. Then we get hurt, we get angry, and we rebel against the idea of pleasing people and submitting to the will of another. So we create another false self that does what we want, when we want, and says we're not gonna give our power to anyone. Then we become lonely, angry, and resentful. Neither created self is true. We don't even know who we are anymore. I'm afraid we never did, since we have always been posturing to gain approval and acceptance from others. We think we have to do something to earn love.

We relate to God in the same way. There is no direct relationship with God--it's always: well, what do I have to do? Am I good enough, did I do it right, what did I do wrong this time? There's a sense of guilt and inadequacy inside us, and we want to appease God to win His favor. Just like we do with people. Or we don't, if we're rebelling against that! Oh, if we're rebelling and angry inside, we might not even believe in God or we'll think religious people are all hypocrites (which may be true, but that's for another note). There is an honesty in this latter approach, but there is still a hurt person inside.

So, what do we do? I think we need to just face the fact and the feeling of being hurt and needy inside. We all want love and acceptance, whether it's from people, or from a 'God', which for most people is just a giant Parent. God is much more than that, by the way. We don't know how to just be, because inside we have such pain, guilt, and fear. But then that is what we have inside, so that is very much part of who we are. Yet, in this society, we can't just be hurt, needy, and guilty. How does that pay the bills? Who will like us if we're sitting there being hurt and guilty? Yet, just this is needed if we are going to progress spiritually and have authentic, loving bonds with each other and with God. After we get comfortable with all we are inside, we can realize that God is and always has been a shining bright Light of Love and Truth that exists whether we are a good boy/girl or a bad boy/girl, whether we have a happy face or sad face. He is constant, no matter what we think of Him, or what we think of ourselves.

If we can just cut through all our attempts at pleasing people and God, and get down to that core need for love, underneath our resentment and rebellion, our self-doubt and fear, we will have a possibility to find what we are all searching for. We have to support each other in reaching this kind of vulnerability, though, and it is no easy task. And if you can't do it, try not to think, "Oh, I'm not doing it right. This guy says feel my fear and neediness underneath my mask, and I can't, so I guess I'm no good." I really don't think I have that much influence on people, but my goal is not to make you feel worse! Unless it leads ultimately to your healing and freedom. Feeling our pain without guilt or judgment is usually the first step to healing it!

Rebelling and conforming to religion

Most people who rebel against religion do so because they want to feel free to do what they please. They don’t want to follow another code of laws, since they do that all day at work, and even in their family life. And as a child they were told what to do and were made to feel bad or inadequate if they didn’t follow the ‘rules of behavior’. So they certainly do not want a whole other list of do’s and don’ts to run their life. Religious laws just poke and prod at an unhealed inner wound, which is the feeling of not being good enough. Now here comes religion which commands us to change, be different, do this, do that, don’t do this, don’t do that, you should do this, you must do that. How is that going to help a person feel free and happy? 

The problem is the context. Since the original childhood wound, everything in life is seen through the lens of ‘does this make me feel good about myself, or bad about myself’? Does this cover my feeling of insecurity, or does it expose it? Since we are all trying to escape and cover our feelings of insecurity or weakness, everything becomes distorted, and we cannot see things in their intrinsic worth and value. It becomes all about escaping the hurts and wounds received from childhood and in our lives. If we can see this, observe this, we can create some detachment from our incessant and unconscious denial and avoidance mechanisms, and begin to see what is good for us from a more objective or detached perspective. Then we can read the Scriptures from a place of reason and truth, somewhat detached from self. But the danger here is that we will intellectualize everything, and use this as another way to avoid the feeling of insecurity. You see, for those who don’t rebel against religion, but who embrace it instead, religion and following the laws and performing the rituals becomes another way to ward off the sense of insecurity and inadequacy—the childhood wounding—that lurks beneath the surface.

It's not your fault, it's not their fault

It is easier for a child to believe that he is to blame when he feels hurt by his parents. If he is to blame, then he deserves the pain. It is justice, his mind reasons. He did something wrong and bad, he is wrong and bad, therefore the pain and hurt is reasonable and he deserves it. If he were to realize he feels hurt because the parents were unjust, or were acting out of their own ignorance or lack of love, it would be too painful. This would mean he is unsafe, his parents don’t have real love, protection is an illusion, there is confusing and painful injustice. This pain is too much to bear, so the child believes he is to blame, and then all is well.

When we are older it is like this. If we are to blame, then the world is fine. It is just that you feel hurt, because you are bad, you deserve the punishment from people or from God. Ah, the world is fine, people are good, it is just that I am bad and wrong, so then the pain is reasonable and justified. Now if I see that other people are wrong or ignorant or unloving, what a terrible thing that is. Then I am really unsafe, I can’t trust anyone, and the world is not loving at all. This is a worse calamity for my heart and my life. This is more painful.

Yet this is just the reality we must face in our lives if we are to truly seek God’s love. When we discover that the people in the world are not the all-wise, all-loving people we thought they were, when veils of conditioning and idolatry fall away, then we see that people have been acting and posturing, and are covering their own fear and hurt. Oh no, we live in a world where no one knows truth or love. Wow, we really need to seek for something eternal and real. When we realize we are not any worse than other people, but we ascribed wrongness and badness to ourselves as a child, then it is a painful reality. All are in sin, all are unloving. We are truly in a desert world. We must seek God, Who is real.

If we hold on to the notion that we are bad and wrong, it will veil us from the truth. It will protect us from the pain that others are not as they say they are. Under the victim identity is hurt, even resentment. We had some notion that the parent was not acting out of love. It was put into the unconscious. Now we have resentment for the love we never received. It is too painful to acknowledge. But now we can face this because we know God loves us even if people cannot.

Okay, now we know it’s not our fault. But we’re still not sure. We still have the sense that we’re not good enough, we’re bad, and everyone else is doing it right. But if it’s not our fault, then it must be their fault. After all, we’ve got to do something about this nagging sense that it’s somebody’s fault, and somebody’s got to take the blame. So we project that sense of blame and shame onto others. Ah, it’s their fault, I’m absolved! Kind of gives you a sense of power. Ego power. Okay, fine for now. Underneath, we still feel we’re bad and wrong, but for now it’s covered up, and maybe if we don’t feel it now, it will go away and won’t bother us. Inevitably something happens, we feel hurt, and our inadequacy demon rears its head.

Okay, I get it. My parents didn’t give me perfect love, so I have a sense of not being whole, a sense that I’m not quite right, there’s a hole in my heart, and somebody’s to blame. Maybe my parents, maybe my ex-spouse, maybe my religious school teachers. The wound hurts a lot inside. It gets triggered by so many things. There is a strong emotional charge inside. There is anger and resentment towards people, particular people. What can I do? Well, if I get a good job and a good standing amongst my peers, I’ll surely feel good about myself, and that will cover up my wound. Or if I get a wife and family, with wonderful kids, I will feel whole and I will feel joy. After all, my religion says I should have these things. Oh, of course if I follow the laws of my religion, and do what the good book says, then I will certainly win favor with God and I will gain the approval and respect of my peers and teachers. This way I will surely feel great and my feelings of fear and inadequacy will be gone forever.

Hmm, but why is it that no matter what I do, there is this gnawing fear and guilt that somehow I’m still not good enough? And no matter what I do in the world, there is still a sense of longing, of being incomplete, like there is some higher love I am just not getting.

If we step back, we can see what is happening. All of us carry wounds from our life. We cover up this hurt, and the fear of getting more hurt, with many things. We try to conform to what people expect of us. We did this with our parents. We had little choice. We had to do what they said and become what they wanted us to become in order for us to receive their approval, and to receive the benefits of childhood, such as comfort and security. Inside, our wounded heart went into hiding. As adults, we fit into the little molds and roles carved out for us in society. These acts ensure that we feel secure and that we continue to receive the material benefits that we’ve been taught make our lives happy. Playing the roles also ensures us that we will be liked and respected by others, so we don’t have to feel hurt and lonely, and so that demon of guilt and inadequacy doesn’t torment us. We blame others, but others hurt us because they are caught in the same trap we are. They are just doing their best to ward of their feelings of inadequacy or fear—they just want to avoid feeling hurt as well. So we can’t really blame them.

But now we find ourselves constantly doing things, running away from our pain, caught up in this worldly game of acquiring things and people, and attempting to prove to ourselves and others that we are worthy and good enough. Good enough for what? For love, for acceptance, for approval—because inside we still feel unworthy, inadequate, guilty. Boy, do we need something different. Something not of this world. Something to renew us and heal us and cause us to know that we are approved and accepted and acceptable. But more than that. We need to know we are loved, loved deeply, and not because of anything we did. We are loved because we were created. God created each one of us, and He doesn’t make mistakes. Since He created us, we can be sure He meant for us to be here, and there is a divine reason for our life. His love is ever-present. He knows about us, even if we don’t know about ourselves. We can put our trust in Him. We can take our confusion, fears and guilt to Him. He knows what we do, and He knows how to help. We all want to be loved and to love others. Let’s turn to Him for instruction--to the Manifestation of God’s holy light. Through Him we can learn what is real and what is false. It will take time and work to reverse the conditioning and wounding and mistaken understandings we have been taught by society. But we can help each other. Please let’s help each other do this.

Being a good person and following the laws

One of the main benefits people receive from following the social and moral laws and rules of religion is confirmation of their identity of being a good person, so this identity can successfully ward off the feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame, and the feeling of being unloved. In this approach there is no real inner experience of the deeper benefits of following these laws, such as the pure grace and love of God, freedom in the spirit, transcendence, etc. Following social laws is certainly of some benefit to the individual and society, and creates order, but does not necessarily create spirituality and love in the heart, which is the foundation of real benefit. Also, there are all the spiritual laws to consider, and many do not even approach these!

Progressive people often rebel against following the laws of God when this compliance is used for ego validation. Yet their own inner feelings of guilt result from this same attitude and approach to the laws of God. They intellectually realize that this is a flawed approach to following the laws of God, but emotionally it is still what has been ingrained and conditioned into their psyche.

This approach revolves around the idea that your value and worth is dependent upon how well you follow the letter of religious law, as it is dictated to you by parents, teachers, and leaders of religion. In this approach, there is no real spiritual mercy, grace, love, or forgiveness. The sense of inadequacy engendered by falling short of this standard and other man-made standards is the driving force behind almost all worldly accomplishments, as people rush to compensate for this sense of weakness. The result is a hollow and materialistic culture filled with artificial and alienated people.

Counterfeit self

We fabricate a counterfeit self because other people would not know how to relate to us otherwise. We know there is more inside, but other people are not taught how to relate to what is behind the mask. So we take on roles in life so our function can be identified, and then people know how to interact with us. Mother, teacher, lawyer, homeless guy, musician, crazy dude, obnoxious guy, pretty girl, smart kid, whatever. We all relate according to what we can get or what we can give. We’re not taught to communicate or interact from a deep place, so it gets filled with fear, insecurity, shame, confusion, hurt, anger. No love gets deep inside, so it is filled with these dark ‘demons’. We must put a mask on and bury all this fear and shame, lest we get no acceptance in this artificial world. This habit we learned as children because we received no love for the real and deep within us, but instead got rewarded for the various ‘positive’ masks we donned.